I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
