i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
