3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
