last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
