just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
