even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
