I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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