I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize