wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
