I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
