Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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