Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
