I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
