looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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