You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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