Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
