If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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