oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
