Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
