My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
50% drunk capacity currently
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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