Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
