um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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