Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
