My friends, they love my intelligence
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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