I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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