What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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