I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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