dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
