i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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