I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
