You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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