tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
