Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
