am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
