That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
