If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize