She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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