george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
