He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
