Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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