it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
