on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
