She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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