you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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