When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
