Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
