I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
