I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dick very happy bro
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
