I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Enjoy the penises
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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