i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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