I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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