am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
