you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think I sprained my soul last night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
