Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
