At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
People with herpes should wear stickers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
