if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
