one might say we're banned from that church
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you had me at cake vodka
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I need to calm my uterus...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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