Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize