this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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