and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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