I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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