I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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