You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
