Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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