How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
