I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
